It's been a while again since I last wrote anything here. My life is a mess, as of now. I know I should blame somebody though I don't know who I should be blaming rather than myself. I don't know why I put myself in these situations. I don't know why I like confusing myself with dreams and reality. I don't know why I like being all emotional rather than normal. Oh wait, I was normal? Shocker.

It feels like it's been a long time since I last updated.

Anyhow. What's been happening.
Nothing, really. Life's full of plain boredom, nothing's going on.. everything feels so normal for some reason. Or maybe that's just cause I got used to the extraordinary things I had to deal with before. Like the heartbreak (which.. is healing up.. sort of).. and all those other shit.

Uhm. So now, nothing. I'm kinda blank, out of words. So I guess, there's nothing else to blog about.

So just so I won't waste my time writing this, I'll put in a survey.

-----------------------------------

Last thing you and your boyfriend/girlfriend talked about?
- Hm. Since I don't have one, ex nalang. The last thing we talked about was about cheating. Hahaha.
.
Have a best friend?
- Yeah. :)
.
Are you in a good mood right now?
- Yeah. :D
.
Who was the last person you spoke on the phone for over an hour?
- I forgot.
.
If you were upset, who's the first girl you would go to?
- I don't know. Jem? Chico? Gelou? :P
.
Do you need to say anything to someone?
- Yes.
.
Will you?
- Not ready. :)
.
Who is the last person that called you?
- Mom.
.
What made you sad today?
- I'm not even sad today. :D
.
Are you available?
- Kinda. :-j
.
Has a boy/ girl ever called you babe/ baby?
- Yeah. :)
.
What are you doing tomorrow?
- Nothing. Coaching. Hang out with Reedi. :D
.
Do you hate it when people smoke around you?
- Nah.
.
Have you ever kissed on a boat?
- No :P
.
Do you have to check in with your parents before you go some place?
- Nope.
.
Would you rather have big or small dogs?
- Medium? =))
.
Do you mind being cold?
- Not really.
.
Do you trust all of your friends?
- Not all. :P
.
What was the last thing you cried, about?
- Y. Period.
.
Is there someone you want to fight?
- Not really.
.
Did the person who hurt you the most in your life apologize?
- No.
.
Do you talk to your CRUSH?
- I don't have a crush, love lang. ;))
.
Do you have friends of the opposite sex you can talk to?
- Yes. :)
.
Who was the last person to give you a ride somewhere?
- I dunno. Forgots.
.
What's something you really want right now, be honest?
- A love that's gonna last. :)) What? :))
.
Who was the last person you hugged?
- Mom.
.
Where?
- Here.
.
Do you like to text or call more?
- Call. :D
.
Would you move to another state or country to be with the one you love?
- Yes.
.
Do you believe that everything happens for a reason?
- Yes.
.
Which one of your friends do you think would make the best doctor?
- Atif. =))))
.
Would you stop talking to your friends because you hooked up with a new person?
- I'm not like that. ;)
.
When was the last time you flew in a plane?
- Uh. 4th August `08. ;)
.
What did the last text message you received say?
- Shags. I love you. :* - T. :">
.
What features do you find most attractive in the opposite sex?
- Eyes.
.
If you won the lottery- who would you call 1st?
- Mom. =))
.
How many kids do you want to have?
- One. Or two. Haha. Two nalang para di lonely. :))
.
Would you make a good parent?
- Probably not.
.
What is your middle initial?
- G.
.
What are your plans for the weekend?
- Nothing.. hang out. :)
.
What was the last TV show you watched?
- Uh. Mr. Bean :))
.
Righty or lefty?
- Righty. ;)

I've never felt anything like this before. It feels so unusual, so weird.. so different.

How can something so wrong feel so right? How can something that hurts you keep you coming back for more? How can a person still love someone if the person they love don't love them back?

And at the same time,

How can you throw away something was meant to last? How can you throw away someone who loves you and was always there? Just how many mistakes do you have to make to realize you were wrong?

What if the biggest mistakes you made are the ones that are gonna get you to go forward in life? And you just didn't realize it at the time that it was there but now you know that life isn't worth living without it there?

And what if you had another chance to bring it back? Or what about a chance to go back in time and change every little regret and every little mistake that you did? What would you do?


Well, obviously, there's a reason for every little thing we did and do. There's a reason why we had to do it, why we did it, why we had to let it go.

But then in the end, you suffer. For what? For the lost of something you tried to save.

That's one mistake I made.. prolly the biggest mistake I'll ever make.

What if you're caught in between two things?

The one that has always been there for you but left,

Or

the one who you never were really sure of if was there but stayed?

As of now, I couldn't decide. I'm confused about everything. Sometimes I wish I just knew every single thing in this world so I wouldn't be like this. Sometimes I wish I could predict the future just so I wouldn't get hurt. You know. Sometimes I wish I was just a little different.

Yeah.. I guess it's difference that I want.

Just trying to express my hate for someone.


So, uh, how am I gonna start this. Uhm. Well, there's this girl in school and she's pretty scandalous, in a bad way. Well, okay. There really isn't such a thing as scandalous in a good way but what the hell. Anyway. So she's been messing with me for an I don't know what reason. She just does. I guess I prolly mess with her, too but who cares. What she's doing is ruining my rep against people. And that sure sucks. I mean, just cause she doesn't have anyone else to blame doesn't mean she could blame me.

And her Mom. What the fuck is up with that? I was the one who helped her find her daughter when she got lost but now she's telling me that it's all my fault for the way her daughter is? Well then, FUCK HER. I could have just let her daughter wander somewhere else with some mother fucking guy out there in the world.

Fuck the both of them. That girl's mom is mentally sick and her daughter is a mother fucking prostitute. Let them go to Hell for all I care.

Fuck the both of you.

Because, I am as bored as hell and I don't want to study English. Damn.

I'mma put 'quotes', or whatever you call it. It came from me and the people I know. Haha. From past experiences. Sort of. Whatever.

---------------------------------------

Tar: I miss us.
Me: I've always been right here.
Tar: No.
Me: What do you mean no?
Tar: I meant the way we used to be.


Bianca: Does that bitch even know who she's messing with?
Me: The Bianca.


Tar: Cause if one day you wake up and find that you're missing me..
Me: I always wake up and find myself missing you.


Me: Please be mine.
Nicole H.: I'm yours, since Gr5.


Tar: Honestly, I don't think it's worth it.
Me: Oh, okay.
Tar: And you probably think that the reason is because I have someone else.
Me: Basically, yes.
Tar: Well, you're wrong. I just don't think it's worth it anymore cause you don't feel the same way I do.
Me: Yes I do.
Tar: No you don't. I love you more than words can say and you can just go around telling me you love me and that's what it only means. But I tell you that cause it's what's real.


Tar: I just realized something today.
Me: What's that?
Tar: There's always someone who makes me go crazy for some reason.
Me: Really? Who? Chace Crawford?
Tar: Well, apparently, there are two people now.
Me: And who are those?
Tar: Well, okay, one.
Me: Who?
Tar: You wanna know?
Me: Yeah.
Tar: Okay.
Me: Who?
Tar: You.


Tar: I can't seem.. to figure you out.
Me: What's that suppose to mean?
Tar: I don't know.
Me: You can't even figure yourself out.


Tar: *stares at me*
Me: What?
Tar: What?
Me: I mean, what do you want?
Tar: Me? Oh, nothing.
Me: Oh okay.
Tar: *keeps staring*
Me: You creep me out.
Tar: I was just thinking of you with someone.
Me: Who?
Tar: Me.


Bianca: LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, THE GAY!
Me: Who?
Bianca: That wasn't your cue.


Bianca: Figuratively speaking........ what's figuratively?
Me: *laughs*
Bianca: I doubt you even know it.
Me: I don't. And that's what makes it a whole lot funnier.
Bianca: Oh okay. *laughs*


Angela: So, two people equals?
Me: You and me.
Tar: I heard that!
Me: She asked an example about two people.
Tar: I didn't hear that!


Karlo: Boomfakalakafakal.
Me: What?
Karlo: Fireworks.
Me: I thought they went boom?


Marina: She loves you!
Me: I love her!
Marina: You love each other!
Me: I guess so!
Marina: Go for it!
Me: I'm going!
Marina: Okay!
Me: *signs out in YM*
Marina: I didn't mean that, you idiot..


Karlo: I like eggs.
Me: My friend calls me an Egg.
Karlo: You're not yellow.
Me: Eggs are not yellow.
Karlo: But the middle part is.
Me: Okay..


Tar: I need to STUDY.
Me: And that makes you a nerd.
Tar: I am not a nerd.
Me: That makes you a war freak.
Tar: I am not a war freak.
Me: Now you like arguing.
Tar: I am not arguing.
Me: Now you're denying.
Tar: Excuse me?
Me: Wow. You became a nerd, a war freak, a person who argues a lot and a denial queen in less than a minute!!
Tar: You're mean.
Me: A liar, too!!!


Migs: So what's with the name Facebook? Is it like, you have your face buried in your book?
Me: *looks around the classroom and spots someone sleeping over a book* Yes. Look back at Jordan.
Migs: Amazing..




-----------------

*will be adding more next time*
I have to study now. (:|

It's been a while since I last wrote in here. It's been more than a while, actually.

Almost a year.

Anyhow.
What's been happening.
Nothing.

My life's miserable as of now. Well, not really. Not as miserable as I thought it was. I began to realize that there are other people out there living much miserable lives than I do. But I guess people have their own meanings on the word 'miserable'. And I guess, mine is this.

I could still remember how this miserable thing started.
September 22.
It was, by far, the worst day of my life. And when I thought being myself, keeping it real, trying to put it on a low down, trying to be honest was good enough, I was faced with something else. I became honest with someone, and my feelings towards that someone. But I got rejection. It took me a lot of days, weeks, months.. I don't really know, but it took me a while to tell that person how I felt. And then again, rejection. I guess love waits for no one. That sure sucked.

October 22. Another typical day ending like a disaster.
I was actually happy this day and almost forgot about the rejection I received.
When I asked about that person with my friend, my friend told me that that someone has someone else. I cried that night. I can still remember how empty, and how lonely and how stupid I felt. It felt as if there was something wrong with me, or as if there was something missing. I just didn't know what.


Time passed.
Still, the hurt. It made such an impact on me that.. I don't know. It's as if I was lost in the world for a while and then I was slowly learning to find myself. But every time I do, I always have to get faced with the things I don't want to be faced with: my fears.

Some time passed by. I learned that the person I liked got together with someone else. I tried to be happy for them but I can't. "How can I move on when I'm still in love with you.." People tell me that I should learn to stop and control my feelings. But I guess that's impossible. I'm the kind of person who gives it all when I learn to love somebody. And even if I easily fall for people, it's still the kind of love that's real and not the one that's just fooling around.

One of my friends told me just how stupid I was, waiting for someone who was with someone else. I knew I was stupid just by doing that. But I just can't help myself. After all, I'm a fool for that person.

After some days, I blinked my eyes and realized that it was New Year. Happy `09. I felt like I didn't start my year right. But I guess I could just make up for that in the months to follow. Anyway. I always found myself thinking about that person. I don't know why I still do, but I do. No matter how much I want to drift away from the feeling, it stalks me like a ghost. It keeps haunting me, even in my dreams. And it was getting a little frustrating because, I didn't want that but it just keeps coming back for more.

A little while later, I realized that I was failing. That was because of the hurt I felt. The thing about me, is that I don't know how to balance things. So when I get this amazing feeling, I just let the others go crashing down or something and don't even give a damn about it. But now, it was the hurt. And it brought me down. When I learned that I was failing, I had to make up for it. I tried to forget, but I can't. But I forced myself to and yes, it hurts. But if that was the only way, I knew I had to do it.

So, yeah. I had this ex. Who was a really good friend of mine. We talked like normal people do, I guess we were better off as friends than a couple. A week before our suppose-to-be-anniversary, I asked for another chance. Yes, I did. Because maybe I was loving the wrong person and I guess I need to find myself again. The ex agreed so we became a couple again. But I wasn't quite sure if I was still in love or something because I knew that my heart was with someone else. But I still forced myself.


Anniversary. I didn't really feel it.. but, fine. Just for the sake of having an anniversary. Happy Anniversary! And that was on the 8th.

Uhm, anyhow.
We had our exams. I was seatmates with 8. (I'mma call the person 8. I don't wanna use names, and this means the person I asked for another chance with). So, we talk often. Well, not really.

Last Saturday, this really strange thing happened.
Since we were seatmates, it was easy to look to your side without even getting noticed. So I do that. Then I get this feeling in my stomach.. it's as if I want that feeling to stay there. I don't know exactly what it was, but it was something good and I knew it. Every time I had the chance, I would stare at 8. I would just keep staring, thinking of good things, positive things. Even forget about the world. I know it sounds too cliche but, I don't know. It's really true. And I immediately miss 8 when I don't see 8. And that's strange. I think I fell back into love with 8.


But then again, I knew that I was also in love with the other person loving someone else.


So now I'm confused.
I can't love two people at the same time and that's for certain.
And to think that I'm only a 14-year old and I'm getting some sort of strange feeling like this. It sucks, honestly.
I just wish I could get rid of it.

Sometimes, I wish I was numb.
And sometimes, I wish I was loved.
And sometimes, I wish I could stop the hurt from coming back to haunt me.
But I guess this is all karma for things I've done in the past.
And I guess I deserve it.

Ika. 14y/o. Freshie. Always bored and hungry. I love T. 08 forever.