Wednesday, January 14, 2009
It's been a while since I last wrote in here. It's been more than a while, actually.
Almost a year.
Anyhow.
What's been happening.
Nothing.
My life's miserable as of now. Well, not really. Not as miserable as I thought it was. I began to realize that there are other people out there living much miserable lives than I do. But I guess people have their own meanings on the word 'miserable'. And I guess, mine is this.
I could still remember how this miserable thing started.
September 22.
It was, by far, the worst day of my life. And when I thought being myself, keeping it real, trying to put it on a low down, trying to be honest was good enough, I was faced with something else. I became honest with someone, and my feelings towards that someone. But I got rejection. It took me a lot of days, weeks, months.. I don't really know, but it took me a while to tell that person how I felt. And then again, rejection. I guess love waits for no one. That sure sucked.
October 22. Another typical day ending like a disaster.
I was actually happy this day and almost forgot about the rejection I received.
When I asked about that person with my friend, my friend told me that that someone has someone else. I cried that night. I can still remember how empty, and how lonely and how stupid I felt. It felt as if there was something wrong with me, or as if there was something missing. I just didn't know what.
Time passed.
Still, the hurt. It made such an impact on me that.. I don't know. It's as if I was lost in the world for a while and then I was slowly learning to find myself. But every time I do, I always have to get faced with the things I don't want to be faced with: my fears.
Some time passed by. I learned that the person I liked got together with someone else. I tried to be happy for them but I can't. "
How can I move on when I'm still in love with you.." People tell me that I should learn to stop and control my feelings. But I guess that's impossible. I'm the kind of person who gives it all when I learn to love somebody. And even if I easily fall for people, it's still the kind of love that's real and not the one that's just fooling around.
One of my friends told me just how stupid I was, waiting for someone who was with someone else. I knew I was stupid just by doing that. But I just can't help myself. After all, I'm a fool for that person.
After some days, I blinked my eyes and realized that it was New Year. Happy `09. I felt like I didn't start my year right. But I guess I could just make up for that in the months to follow. Anyway. I always found myself thinking about that person. I don't know why I still do, but I do. No matter how much I want to drift away from the feeling, it stalks me like a ghost. It keeps haunting me, even in my dreams. And it was getting a little frustrating because, I didn't want that but it just keeps coming back for more.
A little while later, I realized that I was failing. That was because of the hurt I felt. The thing about me, is that I don't know how to balance things. So when I get this amazing feeling, I just let the others go crashing down or something and don't even give a damn about it. But now, it was the hurt. And it brought me down. When I learned that I was failing, I had to make up for it. I tried to forget, but I can't. But I forced myself to and yes, it hurts. But if that was the only way, I knew I had to do it.
So, yeah. I had this ex. Who was a really good friend of mine. We talked like normal people do, I guess we were better off as friends than a couple. A week before our suppose-to-be-anniversary, I asked for another chance. Yes, I did. Because maybe I was loving the wrong person and I guess I need to find myself again. The ex agreed so we became a couple again. But I wasn't quite sure if I was still in love or something because I knew that my heart was with someone else. But I still forced myself.
Anniversary. I didn't really feel it.. but, fine. Just for the sake of having an anniversary. Happy Anniversary! And that was on the 8th.
Uhm, anyhow.
We had our exams. I was seatmates with 8. (I'mma call the person 8. I don't wanna use names, and this means the person I asked for another chance with). So, we talk often. Well, not really.
Last Saturday, this really strange thing happened.
Since we were seatmates, it was easy to look to your side without even getting noticed. So I do that. Then I get this feeling in my stomach.. it's as if I want that feeling to stay there. I don't know exactly what it was, but it was something good and I knew it. Every time I had the chance, I would stare at 8. I would just keep staring, thinking of good things, positive things. Even forget about the world. I know it sounds too cliche but, I don't know. It's really true. And I immediately miss 8 when I don't see 8. And that's strange. I think I fell back into love with 8.
But then again, I knew that I was also in love with the other person loving someone else.
So now I'm confused.
I can't love two people at the same time and that's for certain.
And to think that I'm only a 14-year old and I'm getting some sort of strange feeling like this. It sucks, honestly.
I just wish I could get rid of it.
Sometimes, I wish I was numb.
And sometimes, I wish I was loved.
And sometimes, I wish I could stop the hurt from coming back to haunt me.
But I guess this is all karma for things I've done in the past.
And I guess I deserve it.
